Below is a sermon manuscript from September 29, 2024. Watch the sermon here.

Introduction

There was a great illustration of friendship in the Lord of the Rings when Sam and others come alongside Frodo and tell him they must make the journey collectively. They say this,

‘You can trust us to stick to you through thick and thin—to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours—closer than you yourself keep it. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo. Anyway: there it is. We know most of what Gandalf has told you. We know a good deal about the ring. We are horribly afraid—but we are coming with you; or following you like hounds.^[1]

Biblical Friendship is Constant

Faithful friends are committed. Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.^[2]” We live in a time when we can have thousands of “friends,” but we know these are no substitute for deep friendship. Loneliness is a real problem today. Part of that is not that we don’t know people or even have some relationships, but that we don’t have deep friendships. Deep friendships require commitment and constancy. We see this kind of commitment in the life of Ruth, who says this in Ruth 1:16-18

 But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. ¹⁷ Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.” ^18[3]

We saw this illustrated before, with the example of the Lord of the Rings and Frodo’s friends saying, “We are coming after you or following you like hounds.”

Do you have this kind of commitment? As Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, a brother is born for adversity.”

Committed to Being There

Today, much of our relationships can be through our devices. We have talked about this many times, but there is no substitute for physical presence. Simply being there for a friend is extremely important. John writes in 2 John 12, “Though I have much to write to you, I would rather not use paper and ink. Instead, I hope to come to you and talk face to face, so that our joy may be complete.”

Be Fully There

To do this well, we need to be fully there. Do you ever get really excited about something and tell someone what you’re excited about, only to get a half-groan? You invest energy and enthusiasm in what you are communicating; it matters to you and is important, but then it is greeted like it’s no big deal. Scripture tells us to “rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15. This is great when it happens, right? I remember watching a TV show where a lead character discovered she was pregnant. Her best friend was away, and she told everyone in her life only to be unsatisfied. Finally, her friend came back from a trip and found out. She was ecstatic. She is flailing around like a lunatic and is obviously happy for her friend. There was the response that she was expecting!

Here is the truth: expecting these responses is easier than giving them. Friendship forces us outside of ourselves to desire the good of others. We cannot manufacture these responses. It is evident when we do. Instead, great responses come from those fully invested in the lives of others. When we move beyond the superficial, when we genuinely love one another and desire their good, it affects the way we respond to things.

We see this in the example of Jesus in John 11 when Mary came and told her the news about Lazarus dying.

 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. ³⁴ And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” ³⁵ Jesus wept. ³⁶ So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”^[4]

Committed Moving Beyond the Superficial

We can spend much time with each other, even in physical presence, and not truly know one another. To know and be known requires vulnerability. It requires that we trust the other person enough to bust out of the common clichés that people, especially Christians, get stuck in. I remember growing up and going to a new church for the first time and hearing people say, “I’ve got a silent” when the teacher asked if they had any prayer requests. “A silent” what in the world does that mean? Well, if you don’t know, good! It’s basically saying, “I’m too embarrassed to say what it is, or it is too sensitive, but I need to say something, so this is what I need to say.” In reality, it can be a springboard for everyone else in the room to speculate the grievous nature of the request and to assume the worst possible things.

Why bring up the “silent prayer.” Not to say this is always wrong. But because sometimes that’s exactly how we operate in our closest relationships. We know we need to give of ourselves, but we default to things that are expected, and everyone nods in agreement. We can’t settle for this type of superficial friendship. This isn’t knowing each other well; it isn’t being known; it is little better than a photoshopped Instagram post. This doesn’t mean all of our relationships will reach this level of depth, it’s wise to be careful in our vulnerability. But we lack something when we don’t have any relationships that reach this level of openness.

Know their Influences

So, how do we know each other well? We start to understand what influences and motivates those closest to us. What are the things that they get excited about? What are things that can ruin their day? When we understand these things, words aren’t necessary for us to know how they respond, it becomes natural to know how they feel because we know them well. But we can’t stop here. These things also reveal to us what is going in their heart. The close friend doesn’t settle to know and understand the surface-level struggles of the other person. They want to know the core unspoken, underlying issues. This way, they can properly speak the truth in love, encourage where needed, and help point them to Christ.

Biblical Friendship Fights Jealousy and Fear

If we are to maintain this friendship, we must understand that the good gift of friendship is under attack. It’s under attack from without and within. We discussed in the series how our personal sins and vices can factor into the friends we have and keep. But our sin can also come to the surface even as we have solid friendships with people who are encouraging us toward the good. One prominent area where this takes place is jealousy.

Closeness Can Invite Jealousy

Proverbs 27:4 says, “Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?” Friends desire the best for their friends, even when their friends succeed in areas that they wish they would succeed. Yet this is easier said than done. Jonathan Holmes writes, “Jealousy kicks in when we start to focus, not on what God has called us to do or be, but on a perceived gap between ourselves and others. At that point, our attention has shifted from obeying God to idolizing what we think someone else possesses.”^[5]

There is something to the idea that the closer we are to someone, the more open we can be to jealousy. Closeness can invite comparison that turns to jealousy. It is OK with us that other people have things that we don’t or are gifted in ways that we aren’t – so long as they are far from us. But, when it is close to home, the temptation to jealousy is greater. This is a challenging aspect of developing deep friendships. As we grow close to one another, a sense of unity and oneness characterizes the relationship. But this sweet gift of oneness can also be grounds for jealousy. When friends are so close they can finish each other sentences, it’s easy to think, “Why not me?” when your friend experiences a new joy in their life, and you don’t experience that same joy. Perhaps for you, it’s a place of heartache and difficulty. Your friend gets a promotion shortly after you lose your job. Your friend is expecting just after you had another miscarriage. Instead of sharing the joy and adding fuel to the fire of the blaze of blessing, fuel is being added to the blaze of burning jealousy. 

But this attitude is the opposite of what Biblical friends do for us. Instead of rejoicing in the good and growing in grace, the good gift has been perverted and become an opportunity for sin. Instead of receiving them as a gift, they are being tolerated as an enemy. 

The goal is not to pretend this doesn’t happen. But it’s to use this as an opportunity for repentance. We can see even this as a grace from God. The closeness of the friendship is drawing out what otherwise might stay hidden in our hearts. It’s unearthing areas in our lives where we fail to trust God’s will for us. It reveals our lack of gratitude for all we have been given. It’s showing us our pride and selfishness. This is ugly, yes. But when it’s brought into the light, it can be dealt with. It gives an opportunity for growth. 

Fear Can Prevent Biblical Friendships

There is only so far a friendship can go when there isn’t unity on the most critical questions. Many of you have friends who don’t yet know Jesus. The question might be, what happens with these friendships? I want to keep the answer within the limits of this series. The more you know someone, the more opportunities you will have to speak the truth of God’s Word into their lives in a way that can be received. The problem is that the closer we get to people, the more hesitant we are to “ruin a good thing.” This fear causes us to miss out on the best thing – for our friendship and for our friends.

Include Friends Who Need Jesus In Your Life

A practical way to reach out to our unsaved friends is to include them in our lives, the things that we value most deeply. If you are a Christian, then there are many natural opportunities to talk about things. As a friend, they should care about what you care about, tell them what God is teaching you. Invite them to meet other people in your life that know Jesus. Tell them you’re praying for them, share what you are struggling with, and living a transparent life for Christ in front of our unsaved friends will generate questions. Don’t shy away from answering those questions.

Biblical Friendship Fights for Forgiveness

We are called to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. If this is true, then maybe the biggest temptation and the most powerful tool in our enemy’s arsenal is unforgiveness and bitterness between friends. Let’s look at how to combat this in two ways, first finding things that can be overlooked and second being ready to reconcile.

Know When Offenses Can Be Overlooked^[6]

Proverbs 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” There are many things that we make into a big deal that really aren’t a big deal. If we are offended by everything our friends do, then the problem might be us, not them. Chris Braun’s in his book unpacking forgiveness offers six questions to ask ourselves to see if we should drop something before confronting the other person.

1. Before confronting, ask, “Have I examined myself yet?”

Often we assume the best of others and neglect to look at ourselves and why we might be offended in the first place. We need to evaluate our own lives carefully before confronting others. This includes time with God in prayer and asking him to examine our motives and reveal our own sins.

2. Before confronting, ask, “How sure am I that I am right?”

1 Peter 4:8 says that love covers a multitude of sins. There are many instances where we think we are right but haven’t taken time to think through who is really to blame. Think about a friend going off on you because you blew off a commitment you made with them. If you are thinking about confronting your friend on their anger, you might want to hit the pause button! Here is one rule of thumb “if you always—or almost always—think you are right, you have a pride problem.”^[7]

3. Before confronting, ask, “How important is this?”

Many things are not that big of a deal. Martin Luther, during the reformation, took a stand on the authority of Scripture, declaring, “here I stand.” It was his way of saying, “I am not budging; this is too big of a deal.”  Most things in life aren’t like that. We can compromise and afford to lose on many things in life and be OK. Chris Brauns writes, “if you think that everything is important, you have a sensitivity problem. We all know someone who thinks every offense is a big deal. We each need to evaluate ourselves and see if we are too sensitive.”^[8]

4. Before confronting, ask, “Does this person show a pattern of this behavior?”

“If someone to whom you are close has offended you, one of the first questions that you ought to ask is, is this typical from this person? If it seems totally out of character for the person, then perhaps you should let the matter go.”^[9]

5. Before confronting, ask, “What do wise people counsel me to do?”

We have already addressed the issues of gossip, so we need to be careful here. But, there may be times when it is appropriate to get counsel to see if something is worth confronting. This should be done with the highest care knowing that if it is something that is dropped, the other person will never bring it up either. The most appropriate application of this is if someone is already aware of the situation. If this is the case, you are not spreading new information but trying to clarify your perception of the information you both already have.

6. Before confronting, ask, “What else is going on in the other person’s world?”

Braun’s writes,

Before you confront someone who has offended you, think about the circumstances that have been going on in the other person’s life. If the person has been under a great deal of pressure for one reason or other, maybe you should choose to drop it.

Likewise, if you have been under a great deal of pressure yourself, or if you are very fatigued, then you should take into account the possibility that you are being more sensitive than normal.^[10]

Always Be Ready to Reconcile

While some things can be overlooked, others need to be addressed. To ignore them would be to minimize the offense done and would only lead to bitterness not genuinely moving on from the incident. In these situations, we should always be ready to forgive and reconcile with the person. Colossians 3:12-13 says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

We should be quick to want reconciliation, not letting the offense sit there but dealing with it. To do this, we need to be upfront about things that have offended us and confront our friends in love. Chris Brauns offers helpful pointers for confronting and asking for forgiveness.

Confronting,

·      When you talk to someone about how he or she has hurt or offended you, your choice of words will make all the difference. It would be a good idea to write out what you plan to say, whether you plan to read it or not. Include each of the following elements:

• Affirm why you are thankful for the other person.
• Explain how you have been hurt.
• Avoid using inflammatory words such as always and never.
• Avoid conveying harshness or melodrama.^[11]

Asking for forgiveness,

• Carefully describe how you have hurt the other person.
• Assure the other party that you are truly repentant. Not only do you regret what you have done, but you are determined to do better in the future.
• Avoid the excuse words if, but, and maybe. “If I have done something to offend you . . .” Nor is it helpful to say something like, “I am sorry for saying that, but you were being such a jerk, I couldn’t help myself.”
• Be specific rather than vague. Don’t say, “Please forgive me for whatever I may have done to offend you.” If you are truly repentant, you know what you did. So say it. Instead of saying, “I am sorry for what I may have done,” say, “I am sorry that I knocked out the windows of your car with a ball-peen hammer.”^[12]

Conclusion

As we explore this idea of Biblical friendship, again and again we have turned our eyes to Jesus. There is no more constant friend than Jesus, who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He will never leave us or forsake us. When others fail in their constancy, Jesus is there. Jesus is a friend who is not jealous or fearful. Instead, he is the one who overcomes sin and provides safety and security in the midst of fear. He has overcome the world. He is a perfect party in the midst of friendship. Others sin against him, but he never sins against them. And yet, he fought for forgiveness – not because he needed it but because his enemies needed it. It was through his fight that we, who were his enemies, have been made his friends. He didn’t pretend our sin didn’t exist. He didn’t turn a blind eye to its injustices. We can overlook because we also have sinned, but he is perfect and his justice cannot overlook sin. No, Jesus didn’t overlook it; he paid for it. Because of his work, we can be gracious to others because we have been shown so much grace. Jesus satisfied the just punishment for our sins so that we might never experience it. Do you know him? If not, you can have a relationship with him by believing what he has come to do and turning to him for forgiveness. 

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^[1] As quoted in Holmes, The Company We Keep, 49-50.

^[2] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Pr 18:24.

^[3] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Ru 1:16–18.

^[4] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Jn 11:33–36.

^[5] Jonathan Holmes, The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship (Minneapolis, Minnesota: CruciformPress, 2014), 81.

^[6] The following questions are pulled from Chris Brauns, Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2008), 98-102.

^[7] Brauns, Forgiveness, 99.

^[8] Brauns, Forgiveness, 100.

^[9] Brauns, Forgiveness, 101.

^[10] Brauns, Forgiveness, 102.

^[11] Brauns, Forgiveness, 111.

^[12] Brauns, Forgiveness, 111.