Below is a sermon manuscript from September 22, 2024. Watch the sermon here.
Introduction
My wife is a master at using her words well. She knows what to say to comfort me and what to say to challenge me. If I were to share some ideas or a phrase of a sermon before I preach, she might respond, “Yeah, I don’t like that at all.” Or “I don’t know if anyone will understand what you’re trying to say.” But if it’s afterward, she would say, “I think you did well.” Or maybe, “It wasn’t the best way to put it, but I think everyone is able to get something from the sermon overall.” There is a different tone and posture, a sensitivity to the time and place. In friendships, these skills are vital as we use our words for their good. Words are incredibly important overall and especially within the context of friendship.
Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”[1]
Friends Speak Encouraging Words
One way that our words bring life is through encouragement. A healthy friendship recognizes the good in another’s life. We see many virtues in the other. Are we taking time to celebrate them?
While love is certainly more than affirming the good, it’s not less. We should affirm the good we see in others. We live in an encouragement drought. We live when godly affirmations have fewer spottings than a big foot. Or so it seems. I have been critical of the idea of love as mere affirmation. We tend to reduce love to affirmation. This is a mistake. But love can be seen in affirming the good, the true, and the beautiful in one another’s lives. We should notice and celebrate the virtues we see in someone else. We can never be encouraged too much in this way.
Ed Welch, in his book Side by Side, gives several ways to celebrate the good.[2]
Notice character qualities
I love what Welch writes here.
“Be eager to discover patience, self-control, humility, kindness, selfless acts, encouraging words, attentiveness, courtesy (which is a form of respect), interest in justice and the marginalized, hard work, and love. These refractions of divine goodness are best identified, praised and enjoyed. If their appearance is episodic and brief, and even if they are contaminated with selfishness or pride, don’t let the unattractive features of someone’s life blind you to the good.”[3]
Notice gifts and talents
Seeing and celebrating a friend’s gifts and talents is not only encouraging, but it is also a way for them to be affirmed and understand how God has specifically gifted them. Sometimes this carries the weight of advice or even circumvents the need for advice. The adult or teenage friend who notices how good a high schooler is working with kids and celebrates that might serve as an instrument to steer them toward certain career paths without even knowing it. It’s a way for high schoolers to become aware of their abilities even as they are still learning themselves.
Notice pleasures and preferences
We might think, how can noticing pleasures and preferences be a way to encourage the good? God has created this world for us to live in and enjoy. We each may be drawn to different activities or interests for various reasons. Noticing these things is a way of affirming our individuality. It is a way of sharing in the delights of others. Sometimes, there is good reason for these delights: a dad who loved to hunt and fish who passed it on to their son, a daughter who grew up smelling Yankee candles and now always has one burning. Little things. Or maybe traditions or certain foods. Noticing these things can help us appreciate one another, and it can help accompany our words with actions. Tonight, we’re getting wings can be a way for one man to say to another man, “I’m here for you, bro.”
Notice Spiritual vitality
Jesus encouraged the churches in Revelation when there was spiritual vitality. We, too, can encourage the spiritual vitality in others. When a friend is excited about something, they read in the Bible, when they ask you to pray for them. When they share how they have just told a co-worker about the hope that’s found in Jesus, all these are to be praised and celebrated. Be careful of being the friend who douses with water when God is stoking the embers of someone’s heart. Part of the purpose of the gathered church is to stir one another on in love and good deeds, and a practical way that takes place is celebrating God’s work in other’s lives. This morning, encourage Chris with what you see in his life! Encourage others when you see their passion for the Lord.
Friends Speak Hard Words
Unwillingness to speak hard words unmasks a friend as a fan
In the Christian life, we don’t need fans; we need friends. But friends are willing to speak hard words. We see examples of this in Scripture, such as when Nathan confronts David in his sin. Paul says in Galatians that he confronted Peter to his face. But the book of Proverbs describes this to us and its importance. The book of Proverbs gives us creational norms for the way things are designed to operate. How are words supposed to operate within friendship? One of the ways is the usefulness of rebuke.
Proverbs 27:5 says, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”[4]
The proverbs do not say, “Better is open rebuke than hidden correction. We might expect that. But instead, the parallel wording is love. This change is meant to help us understand just what rebuke from a friend is; it’s a loving act. Though it might not appear so on the surface, the friend who risks relational harmony to correct their friend cares more than one who merely goes along to get along. This love, a love that is willing to correct, is a love that reflects our God, who disciplines those he loves. It reflects God who reproves those he loves, as we see in Proverbs 3:12. The same word for reprove is the word translated rebuke in 27:5.
This kind of love differs from those who merely seek to affirm or tell people what they want to hear. This is very common in our world today.
Kelly Needham writes,
The “love” that our world is selling is that of unconditional acceptance. A love that says, if you want to tie yourself to the train tracks, it’s our job to cheer you on. It’s a love as worthless as a doctor who never diagnoses or a teacher who never corrects.
True love fights for the greatest good of another. It tells you about cancer, though it brings tears, with the hope that you will get treatment and live. It tells you 2+2 is not 5, though it causes embarrassment, with the hope that you will be able to make sense of the world. True love drags a friend away from the tracks when the train is careening forward, even when they kick and scream.[5]
Justin Giboney said something similar in a recent article,
In too many circles today, candor is frowned upon. And pointed critiques, no matter how truthful, are prohibited. We’ve expanded the definitions of concepts like harm and victim blaming to include anything that causes embarrassment or guilt. The question now is how a comment will make one feel, not whether it is right or wrong.
In some contexts, your social location can protect you from all correction. It has become acceptable to disallow candid critique of entire groups of people.[6]
This is a categorical difference between those who live according to the Christian worldview and those who don’t. If there is no God, then who are we to tell someone what is good for them, particularly if someone comes from a different life experience? But if God is sovereign over all, then who are we to think we know better than God’s best for that individual?
Giboney uses the example of civil rights activist Nanny Burroughs,
Burroughs’s work reflected the love of Jesus, and her words could cut like a two-edged sword. She told the white American church it needed to stop using the Bible to perpetuate lies. She told Black elites to stop separating themselves from and looking down on common people.
Burroughs would never have accepted the dangerous notion that her people—or any group—were without value or without their own cultural pathologies. She had the moral knowledge to understand that a love which only affirmed and coddled was a lesser love. She knew that when coupled with relationship and self-sacrifice, piercing words can liberate us from ignorance of our own faults.[7]
This requires a risk. It may mean that we are misunderstood. We might think, with the apostle Paul, when we spoke hard words to the Galatians, “Have I then become your enemy by telling you the truth?”[8]
Friends know when and how to speak hard words
Now, the temptation might be to think that it is always appropriate to speak exactly what is on our mind all the time. Maybe you already leaned over to the person next to you and said, “I need to be a friend to you; you’re breath stinks.” If it was your spouse, they gently smacked you and said, “I think you’re missing the point.” Then they are right.
Proverbs 25:20 says, “Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.” Imagine approaching someone who just lost a loved one and trying to make them sing, “I’m happy, and I know it.” If you did that, you’d get punched in the face, and rightfully so. There is a time and a place for certain things. It is crucial that Biblical friendship is not only aware of this reality but seeks to practice and live out careful timing. This means being aware of what your friends are going through, their struggles, and their pain. It means praying for wisdom and caring not only about what you say but how and when you say it. As Proverbs 27:14 says, “Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing.”
Not only do our timing and words matter, but they should match the depth of our friendship. There is wisdom in knowing what to speak into a friend’s life. This depends on what you want to communicate but also on how it is received. The better we know our friends, the more intentional we will be to use the right words so that they receive what we are trying to say. We should be sensitive to where they are at emotionally, spiritually, etc.
Friends Speak Words of Advice
Where candor is the frank and blunt instrument to challenge us, counsel is the standard and usual way Biblical friends point one another to Jesus. They are aware of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. They love one another for who they are. But they also desire that the other person resemble Christ and live a life that honors Him using their gifts and abilities. This will affect the way that they communicate and what type of advice they give. Proverbs 27:9 says, “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.”
Though Proverbs 27:9 is a bit tricky in Hebrew, John Kitchen’s summary is helpful.
It seems best to simply read [the second line] as a comparison with the first line—as simple luxuries like perfume and oil makes life more sweet, so does a friend who gives counsel out of the deep well of his life’s experience and wisdom (‘the counsel of the soul’). As one might indulge in the simple luxuries of life, so indulge yourself in deeper levels of friendship with those God’s has sovereignly placed about you.[9]
Friends understand the responsibility of giving advice
The first way that Biblical friends serve one another is through counsel. We often go to our friends for advice. Our friends may not be experts in a particular field but we still trust their opinions. Therefore, a friend’s words have an outsized influence compared to someone else with similar life experience and knowledge. We should be aware of this influence both in what we ask of our friends and in how we respond to our friends when they ask us something. Much of life is lived in areas of wisdom. There may not be a black-and-white answer. Should you have this job or that job? Should you pursue this educational path or that one? In these areas, a friend’s insight into you personally may outweigh their knowledge about the particular options.
Knowing we give advice, we can train for giving advice
Because we will give advice to our friends, that should cause us to desire to learn and grow. Sometimes, we can be complacent in our pursuit of truth. We think that we know all that we need to know, and what we don’t need to know, we can look up if needed. But that approach isn’t sufficient when a friend asks for advice in the midst of hardship. They want to hear from Jeanine, not Google. When we pursue truth, it’s more than mere information, we learn it, but we also test it. We filter it through our experiences. For Christians, God has given us two books by which to learn. The Book of Scripture and the Book of Nature. The book of Scripture is the Bible. It gives us things that we need for life and godliness. The Book of Nature includes general knowledge that we can learn from how the world operates. While Scripture should filter this, we still can learn a great deal from the Book of Nature.
None of us will ever know everything, and that’s okay. But each of us can use the minds that God has given us to continue to learn and grow in knowledge and wisdom. This isn’t just for our benefit but also for the benefit of our friends.
Friends guard their words
Friends also understand the sensitive nature of being asked for advice,
A Biblical friend also understands that they are stewards of the other person. They do not violate that person’s trust unnecessarily. They take that responsibility seriously. Proverbs 11:13 says, “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.” Trust is critical for Biblical friendship.
Gossip is a destructive force against true and genuine friendship and must be avoided. Proverbs 17:9 says, “Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” Drew Hunter writes this,
“This severs even the closest relationships. Gossip erodes trust, and distrust erodes friendship. It is the opposite of safety. If you suspect that someone may talk about your issues behind your back, you won’t share them anymore. You won’t open up. Suspicion will tint your lenses when you look at your friend. It will shade how you see every aspect of the relationship. When distrust enters your relationship, you may remain friendly, but you can’t remain real friends.”[10]
Severed trust severs deep friendship. Just as sexual intimacy is to be protected between two lovers, trust is to be protected between two friends. Gossip is almost like the friendship equivalent of adultery.
Conclusion
The best thing we can do for our friends moves beyond merely giving good advice, as good as that might be, and includes telling or reminding them of the good news. The good news of Jesus coming to this earth, dying on the cross for our sins, and being raised in victory is the power of God for salvation. It is also helpful for us to remember as we seek to be faithful friends.
Jesus did what we fail to do and empowers us through his spirit to do what we should do. Jesus was willing to confront the disciples when they doubted or failed to persevere. Jesus encouraged the disciples when they were afraid and when they saw ministry fruit. He advised them on what to do and where to go. We often fall short in doing these things perfectly. But our security with God does not rest in doing this perfectly. Jesus did it perfectly in our place. He was the perfect friend where we fail to be. As Christians, we seek to be good friends to others not to earn some favor with God but because it’s already been shown to us. We follow in the footsteps of Jesus, seeking to bless others through the gift of Friendship. And we do it, not alone, but Jesus sends the Holy Spirit to be with us. Left on our own, our desire to be liked can prevent us from saying difficult things, but the Spirit reminds us that we belong to God and that truth matters. He also prevents us from being self-righteous or arrogant in our approach. The Holy Spirit convicts us when friends do good deeds that we lack, this can be a circumstance that leads to us recognizing these things and encouraging our friends. The Holy Spirit directs us according to the Word of God, and as we teach these things to others accurately, we are not alone in communicating the good news and advice to others, but the Spirit accompanies the Word of God to do the Work of God.
[1] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Pr 18:21.
[2] Edward T. Welch, Side by Side: Walking with Others in Wisdom and Love (Wheaton, Illinois: Crossway, 2015), 88-93.
[3] Welch, Side by Side, 89.
[4] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Pr 27:5-6.
[5] Kelly Needham, Friendish: Reclaiming Real Friendship in a Culture of Confusion (Nashville, Tennessee: Nelson Books, 2019), 130-131.
[6] Justin Giboney, “Shielded from Truth at Our Own Expense,” Christianity Today, September 18, 2024, https://www.christianitytoday.com/2024/09/shielded-from-truth-at-our-own-expense/.
[7] Giboney, “Shielded from Truth”
[8] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Ga 4:16.
[9] John A. Kitchen, Proverbs: A Mentor Commentary, Mentor Commentaries (Fearn, Ross-shire, Great Britain: Mentor, 2006), 609.
[10] Drew Hunter, Made for Friendship: The Relationship That Halves Our Sorrows and Doubles Our Joys (Wheaton: Crossway, 2018), 90.
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