Sermon passage: Genesis 3:8-13
Below is a sermon manuscript from September 15, 2024. Watch the sermon here.
Introduction
When my daughter was very young, she was playing on the playground, and another little girl came up to her. She was smiling at my daughter, watching her play, and said, “Do you want to be my friend.” My daughter looked her straight in the face and said, “I think not.” The other little girl was not expecting that response! Maybe you have had situations like this, you think things are going well and are blindsided by a literal or figurative “I think not.” Maybe that is your attitude toward the whole idea of friendship because of your personal experience. We talked last week about the goodness of friendship. God designed it for our good, and it is beneficial to living in this world. Maybe you sat there and thought, “I think not.” Or maybe you nodded your head in agreement, but something happened this week to make you say, “I think not.” This really is the experience that we live in, isn’t it? So many of the good things are so messed up, so corrupted and damaged that it is easy to lose the goodness beneath all the layers of garbage on top. But before we write it all off, let’s think about why friendship is difficult and some of the potential ways that it can be corrupted today.
In a Fallen World, Friendships Form
Last week we discussed the goodness of Friendship and that it was not good for man to be alone. This was even before sin entered the world, and God provided a solution. But sin did enter the world. What started as a perfect relationship turned to brokenness and difficulty. Adam and Eve were turned against each other, blaming one another. One man took the life of his brother. The fall has infected life and corrupted the goodness of creation, including friendship. This week, we will focus our attention on this reality, and in the remaining two weeks, we will look at how to redemptively live in this world.
Form because of vices
We also might think of another aspect of this, maybe neglected, friendships not only fail because of sin in this world, but friendships can also form because of sin in this world. One thing I would tell students heading off to college is that we have a couple of things in common with everyone. We are all created by God and made in His image. This entails different things, including delighting and enjoying God’s good creation. This creates opportunities for friendships.
We also are all sinful. Some are redeemed and made right. But even there, remnants of sin remain. Because of this, it is easy to form friendships based on our common sin patterns. This might be mutual envy, gossip, slander, you name it. It’s easy to form friends by delighting in the misfortune of others. My wife could have easily joined a “people who hate Tom Brady” club and developed friendships that way. As C.S. Lewis said, “Even now, at whatever age, we all know the perilous charm of a shared hatred or grievance.”[1]
We gravitate toward people who can elevate us
Another aspect of the fall is that we can gravitate toward those who will help our status. Proverbs 14:20 says, “The poor is disliked even by his neighbor, but the rich has many friends.”[2] Or what about Proverbs 19:7, “All a poor man’s brothers hate him; how much more do his friends go far from him! He pursues them with words but does not have them.”[3]
This exacerbates the difficulty of friendship because it neglects those who are on the outskirts. Those who desperately desire friendship but who appear to others to offer little. This transactional understanding of friendship robs others of dignity. It works against the grain of Jesus’ example, who came for those who could give him nothing in return. As he told Peter, I came not to be served but to serve.
Jonathan Holmes says, “If a biblical friendship is essentially one that is Christ-centered, it’s hard to imagine a worse counterfeit than a friendship that is self-centered.”[4]
Unfortunately, this can be true of the kinds of relationships we pursue. It’s funny, even in a town like this one, you occasionally hear people name-drop various encounters they have had. We love to be celebrity-adjacent. I am friends with someone who is friends with someone. It’s a little childish, wanting to be friends with the popular kid. How different from Jesus’ words that tell us whatever we do for the least of these, we do for him. How different than his parable about only inviting those of high status and receiving our reward?
In a Fallen World, Friendships Fail
Fail to achieve what they were designed for
Not only do friendships fail by ending poorly, they fail by being “successful.” I use successful in scare quotes because we need to understand what success actually is. For something to be successful, it must not merely look decent from the outside or have specific external indicators. It must be aligned with and directed toward the goal for which it is designed. In theology this is getting at the idea of telos. The end goal. Too often, we don’t consider this. Think of a business, for example; how do you know if a business is successful? Well, we need to understand the end to which the business is directed. If the end is merely bottom line, then revenue metrics matter. But if the goal of the business is to produce more and better widgets, then revenue may be a part of that metric, but it could get in the way of the goal as well. Scrutinous quality control may jeopardize mere revenue but lead to more and better widgets. The question is, who is the one who dictates the end goal? Another way to put it is who is sovereign over what the thing is and what is is directed toward? If we fail to answer this question correctly, we fail to understand what success is. Another factor in all of this is intention or motivation. We can do a good thing, directed toward the appropriate end and be doing it in an entirely self-serving way that undermines the goodness of the act in our own formation.
When it comes to friendship, if God has designed it for a specific function and directed it toward certain ends, then it is only successful if it fulfills the function and is aligned with the ends. If man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever, as the Westminster catechism summarizes the Biblical teaching, then friends exist to help toward that end. Unfortunately, with the fall, friendships can undermine this very goal. Instead of delighting in the good, there is reveling in the evil.
Proverbs 22 says, “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.”[5]
This reminds me of the famous episode in Augustine’s Confessions. He gives an account of when he was young and he and his friends desired to steal some pears. He laments over the evil of the action. For us, we might say, “What’s the big deal? It’s just pears.” Why bring up this offense in this way? But he says that he didn’t even eat the pears. He did it for the mere pleasure and excitement of doing something wrong. This deeply bothers him, and it’s helpful for us too. He wonders why he did it and says that he doesn’t think he would if it wasn’t for the encouragement of his friends.
Friends have a way of sealing thoughts upon our minds. This is good if it is the good, the true, and the beautiful. It is dangerous if it is evil and harmful. There is a reason a common expression is, “Would you jump off a bridge if everyone else was doing it?” It is a reductio ad absurdum to the harmful influence of friends. As Proverbs 13:20 says, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”[6]
Fail by ending in heartache
Difficulty happens in the course of friendship because we are sinful. Even as Christians who are redeemed and set free from the power of sin often fall back into sinful patterns. This affects us, and it affects those around us. It influences the way we do friendship and often the outcome and devastation of friendship.
Proverbs 20:6 says, “Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find?”[7] We might paraphrase this to say, “Talk is cheap; it’s hard to find someone who actually does what they say.” Isn’t this the case in our own friendships? Those who profess to be with us through thick and thin, but when problems come, when it’s inconvenient to care, there is no one there.
Proverbs 25:19 says, “Trusting in a treacherous man in time of trouble is like a bad tooth or a foot that slips.”[8] Tremper Longman helps us understand this verse, “Just as a bad tooth will let you down and hurt when you are trying to eat, or a wobbly foot lets you down and hurts when you try to walk, so also will such a person. The comparison invites the hearer to think about the character of one’s associates and assess whether they will help or hurt when trouble starts up.”[9]
We see this illustration play out in the realm of sports often; if someone is rushed back from injury and not healed properly, their repair can give out. Or we might think of driving with faulty tires. My wife’s grandpa was driving down the highway when he saw his tire fly off and roll along beside him. Imagine trying to avoid a collision, and a tire gives out like that – leading to a large pileup. That’s how friendships can feel sometimes. We trust someone to be there, and they are not, and now there is a pileup in our life. It’s compounding; it’s difficult. Character matters in friendship.
Kelly Needham warns against friendship that is founded on selfishness. She says,
“Self-centered motivations for friendship may go unnoticed for years, not causing any noticeable problems. In fact, we may perceive that our friendships are better than we ever hoped because of how they meet our needs and how easily and quickly they were built…but what about when the storm comes?…
…Has this happened in your life? You were sure a friendship was bulletproof, as solid as they come. But then the storms of life came. One of you got married, or a parent died. A new friend disrupted your plans. Maybe he lied to you. Or she shared your secrets with another friend. Betrayal and disappointment replaced trust and enjoyment. And the house couldn’t support the weight of the flood. Or maybe you weren’t totally sure what happened, just that what was once a precious gift is now a dark stain on your memory.”[10]
Have you ever had this happen? Have you had broken friendships? Maybe it’s something that you did, something that you never asked forgiveness for. If this is the case, don’t delay in making things right. Humble yourself and initiate reconciliation through admitting your fault and asking for forgiveness. Maybe you are unwilling to extend forgiveness to another. Remember our Savior’s warning in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours.”
Maybe it’s because you were seeking to be faithful, making a difficult decision to gently speak into their life, and it backfired. Our youngest was in preschool, and he had a close friend that he would play with every day. One day, he invited her to a church activity. The next day, she wasn’t playing with him, and he asked why. She said her mom told her that she didn’t want her playing with people who believed in God. This is hard. It stings. But it is part of living in this fallen world.
Jesus experienced betrayal
What’s amazing is that Jesus is not removed from our struggles. We can be the innocent part in friendships, but we are not completely innocent. We still sin. We can be wronged, and we can also wrong others. We are not above that. But there was one who was. Jesus lived a perfect life and was the perfect friend to others. Yet, Jesus was betrayed. He was betrayed for money. Jesus is not removed from the pain of friendship in a fallen world. He experienced it himself. But he did that for you and me. He did it for all who belong to him in faith.
In a Fallen World, Friendships Matter
While it is easy to discuss the difficulty of friendships in a fallen world, we should also acknowledge that Friendships are necessary in a difficult world. While friends can betray, other friends can help amid the betrayal. While friends can feed into our vices, other friends can help strengthen our virtues,
To help us deal with sin in our own lives
We will spend more time on this in the coming weeks, but one of the ways that friends matter in a fallen world is to help us fight sin in our own lives. They overlook personal offenses while aiming to help form godly character in our lives. A friend who is content to let their friend destroy their marriage is not a friend. A friend that stirs their friend’s wrath instead of steering them toward truth and love is not helping their friend but enabling them. The friend who insists nothing is wrong and never intervenes when their friend has an addiction is active in harming their friend, not helping them.
We should also be aware that friends avoid legalism and heaping burdens on their friends when it’s a matter of wisdom and not a black or white sin. A friend choosing a job you think is a wrong fit is categorically different than your friend who is unable to lay off the bottle or is addicted to pornography.
Friends help shoulder the pain of living in a fallen world
Friends help when living in the difficulty hurts. We need each other. If we needed each other even in the perfection of Eden, we certainly need each other now.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.[11]
Craig Bartholomew, commenting on this passage, notes how this is likely an allusion to Genesis 2:18, which we talked about last week. Speaking to the goodness of two. But here it has specific reference to the difficulty in life.
He writes, “Verse 10 refers to a literal fall but undoubtedly also evokes any difficulty encountered. In ancient Near Eastern culture, falling could be perilous, putting one’s very life at stake. In such a situation a companion could literally be a life-saver. A companion will also provide warmth against the cold night (v. 11).[12]
Whereas we might have certain connotations for keeping each other warm and lying together, the connotations within the culture would be survival.
Friends help when living in difficulty hurts. We need each other. If we needed each other even in the perfection of Eden, we certainly needed each other now. Needham pulls from and summarizes Stephen Ambrose, saying,
In Band of Brothers, Stephen Ambrose recalls the story of the men in the 101st Airborne Division of the US Army in World War II. Though they had come from many different backgrounds, their time…bonded them together…The result of these shared experiences was a closeness unknown to all outsiders. Comrades are closer than friends, closer than brothers. Their relationship is different from that of lovers. Their trust in, and knowledge of, each other is total. They got to know each other’s life stories., what they did before they came into the Army, where and why they volunteered, what they liked to eat and drink, what their capabilities were. On a night march, they would hear a cough and know who it was; on a night maneuver, they would see someone sneaking through the woods and know who it was from his silhouette…they would literally insist on going hungry for one another, freezing for one another, dying for one another…Private Don Marlarkey said, ‘There is not a day that has passed since that I do not thank Adolf Hitler for allowing me to be associated with the most talented and inspiring group of men that I have ever known.’”[13]
Now that’s an overstatement, we don’t want to excuse evil. But we do know that God can and does work through these moments for our God. As Joseph said to his brothers in Genesis 50:20 what you meant for evil, God meant for good. In the midst of hardship, draw close to others, be there for them, and you might be an active part of God bringing good in the midst of the evil and difficulty in this world. This doesn’t solve the problem of evil, and it doesn’t excuse sin in this world.
We might still be left wondering why a good God would allow this. We don’t have all the answers to these questions, but we know it’s not because he doesn’t care. We do know it’s not because he is removed from suffering himself. In the hardest moments of Jesus’ life, he was deserted and betrayed. He was denied by those who said they would follow him to death. But on the night he was betrayed, he took the bread and the cup. He took bread and cup and used that to demonstrate the kind of love he has for others. It pointed to his coming death for those who were his enemies. He was whipped, abused, and hung on a cross so that we might be with him forever. So that one day, all the pain of broken friendships in this life would be made right as we live in sinless eternity with Jesus and all who belong to him. Take your fears, tears, worries, and weariness to the King who came for you. He stands offering you himself, and he will never disappoint.
[1] C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves, First edition (San Francisco: HarperOne, 2017), 101.
[2] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Pr 14:20.
[3] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Pr 19:7.
[4] Jonathan Holmes, The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship (Minneapolis, Minnesota: CruciformPress, 2014), 38.
[5] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Pr 22:24–25.
[6] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Pr 13:20.
[7] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Pr 20:6.
[8] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Pr 25:19.
[9] Tremper Longman III, Baker Commentary on the Old Testament: Proverbs (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 2006), 456.
[10] Kelly Needham, Friendish: Reclaiming Real Friendship in a Culture of Confusion (Nashville, Tennessee: Nelson Books, 2019), 37, 39.
[11] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Ec 4:9–12.
[12] Craig G. Bartholomew, Baker Commentary on the Old Testament: Ecclesiastes, ed. Tremper Longman III (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 2009), 189.
[13] As quoted in Needham, Friendish, 147-148.
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